Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Wizard Tosser!

hero of the day: Robert E. Lee

Get a load of this...

That bloody Just William/Roald Dahl/Phillip Pullman/Wind in the Willows pisstake Harry fucking Potter steamroller just won't stop. Another film comes out next week. What's this one? Number thirteen? Number four hundred and thirty three? Harry Potter and the Pubic Hair of Mystery? Harry Potter and the Dark Flange?

I just don't get it. Those "books" are about as original and as well written as the instruction booklet for an Argos toaster. The reason they keep getting longer and longer is because the publishers are so scared of pissing her off, they let Jay Kay do the editing herself (I think she cut a comma in the last one... and that was about it). This bodes ill for the future of literature. Our children have all been brought up thinking that a successful novel must simply be long, contain vague references to magic and promise to be "dark" at the beginning of each installment (and then not be dark at all... just incomprehensible and shit).

And when it comes to the films. I mean fuck my welly boots...

These films should be renamed Harry Potter and the Luvvy Clique, Harry Potter and the Career Resuscitation, Harry Potter and the Row of Egos and Harry Potter: We might as well ressurect Gielgud 'n' all. Every tinpot thesp within thirty miles of Primrose Hill has been drafted in on the luvvy bus to do their bit for the Potter franchise and the result is an eye-watering array of industrial strength egos all jostling for position with nothing resembling a coherent performance anywhere to be seen. And that smug little madam who some arsehole cast as Hermione Granger needs to be taken out and shot. She is without a doubt the worst mini actress ever to defile the screen... and she has fought off some stiff competition to claim that accolade. And Danny White Cliffs or whatever the fuck he's called is so talentless that the only way he can get any sort of mention at the West End (fast-tracked over the heads of a million actors far more skilled of course) is to get his winkle out (yawn!). Maybe one day he'll actually try acting but I'm fervently hoping that he doesn't bother. The result could well make the Taliban wince.

Fuck off, Harry.

2 comments:

Old Knudsen said...

I heard that Sir Ian McKellan begged them for the role of old guy with magical powers (thats all he does these days)

Around My Kitchen Table said...

Very funny, Mr Witchfynder. Where can I buy Harry Potter and the Pubic Hair of Mystery? Sounds like a good read! As for Hermione Grainger and Daniel Radcliffe, there's something about child actors that makes you yearn for the days of corporal punishment - a good whacking over the knuckles would hopefully make it impossible for them to pick up a script.