Monday, June 18, 2007

Self Pity: A National Epidemic

hero of the day: Gordon Ramsay

This is how it is..

I, like you no doubt, spend a large portion of my day with other people.

This is generally a bad thing as other people are prone to be a pain in the tinies.

But there's one thing I have noticed of late. There is a sickness at the heart of British society, a cancer that is eating away at this once fine nation.

And it threatens to destroy us all.

I have just spent the day with some bloke who just cannot stop talking shit. He is incapable. You could put a gun to his temple and demand he be quiet and he would still go yapping on about bollocks. (I don't doubt that this has already been attempted but when it didn't work I imagine whoever it was turned the gun on themselves).

The man has a veritable beehive in his bonnet but top of his list of "things I must rant about at least thirty hours a day" is his ex-wife and their two children. By the sound of it, his ex-wife is some mail order bride from Thailand. I have no idea how much she cost him but I expect he tried to get his money back because she developed a troubling fault called a personality and booted him out.

All day he was ranting about his wife and how evil she was.

All day he was bitching about how his children had disowned him (and of course, he didn't have the faintest idea why).

All day he was moaning about the fact that he's STILL paying money towards their upkeep (I mean one of them is almost 19 years old! What's the world coming to?!)

For a while I elected to put up with his droning ( it seemed easier at the time) until he let it slip that this divorce happened 14 fucking years ago.

I was under the impression it was a recent event.

But no.

For fourteen solid years this limp dick has been boring a hole in the skull of every unfortunate he comes into contact with simply because he feels he's been hard done by.

I had a message for him.

He didn't like it.

It went something like this:

Shut the fuck up, dickhead.

If you choose to clutter up the planet with copies of yourself don't bitch about it when they burn a hole in your pocket. If you don't pick up the tab then the rest of us have to, which wouldn't stick in the throat quite so badly if they didn't resemble Chewbecca eating a stinging nettle. And for the record, Jonny Taxpayer has been picking up the tab for mis-fucks like you and your wife for decades and are frankly sick of it. Which is why the CSA was invented (yes, the CSA, boo hiss!). And you can claim you hate the CSA because they're rude to you when they phone, or you can claim you hate the CSA because they're grossly mismanaged but the simple truth is, you hate the CSA because they cost you money. And that's really fucking pathetic.

But what I can't help noticing, when you step back and look at the world, is that 95 percent of the world's population are far worse off than this bloke but have less of a tendency to complain.

Just open a newspaper and you'll see any number of people who could out bitch this smurf any day of the week. But none of this means anything to dickheads like this fella. Because this is Britain, and whatever is going wrong is always somebody else's fault. You see it in that odious gaggle of "send-'em-'ome" types who quit Britain for Australia saying that this country has gone to the dogs and usually blaming the problem on "immigrants" whilst failing to appreciate the screaming irony of their own situation. (For let's face it, the last thing Australia needs is more white people). You see it on reality TV when teenage wannabes blub because "I was born for this" and "it's just not fair" that Simon Cowell thinks you're shit. You see it in traffic jams when people hoot and swear and threaten anyone who dares slow them up for three hundredths of a second.

Because Britain doesn't give a shit about you or me or anyone else. Because it's all about the number one.

So do me a favour, next time you want to complain that you never get a holiday, or that nobody ever listens to you, or that life's just not fair, spare a thought for the other 95 percent of world.

And shut the fuck up.


Ron said...

Well I am worse off than that bloke. I have been trying to get meals on bleedin' wheels to supply me with a dinner in a tin for years and they come out with some crap about having to be over 65 years of age. I think its just an excuse to favour the select few.

The Little Cheese said...

I had the mother of a murderer ring me up today because I dared to write a story from the perspective of the victim's mother. "Its not fair." quoth she "he was with some kids that tried to set my fence alight!"

So her son stabbed the 16-year-old several times (who, incidentally had nothing to do with the fence incident). Funny, I thought the mother of the victim had it a little worse than she...

Ron said...

You could have responded by saying that Joseph Goebbels used to hang around with Hitler also, does that make him a murderer?

No, on second thoughts that one wouldn't wash either, would it? Scrub that one!